Jake R. Goldblum
The issue of hyper-masculinity in college men is well documented. So, I’ll spare some space by telling you that it’s a problem up front. Instead, I would like to highlight some of the nuanced aspects of what I will call “masculine culture” in college settings. In particular, I think it’s important to identify the “why” these things manifest, and the “how” to engage these conversations from my perspective.
Bro Ties
We understand that male relationships, friendships that is, are often complicated in their simplicity. Typically, these relationships have the same general characteristics regardless of where they are taking place (in the United States at least). Often, the relationships lack emotional depth, revolve around “masculine” activities, and possess some level of mutual degradation. But why? Here are some conclusions I have made which have been informed by my experiences and research.
Striving for Status: Evolutionary psychology suggests that striving for high(er) social status is a process that has been embedded in our DNA. Status is often explained as a finite resource and the more someone else has, in this case another male, the less that is available for others. I think it’s plain to see how this tends to play out in our male groups. This view of status as a resource that has a limit, results in competition, which is the next piece of the bro tie puzzle.
Competing for…Everything: If status is a finite resource, then clearly there must be competition for what’s left of it, in a society that gives some a leg up over others at birth based on unearned privileges (a conversation for another time). These competitions tend to manifest in countless ways, but some more subtle but potent competitions are competing for high status friends (fraternity/group involvement), competing for better appearance physical and otherwise, and competing for sexual partners. All of these competitions have their own sets of issues and lead to our last piece of the puzzle: comparison.
Literal Pissing Contests: Anyone who thinks the old adage “pissing contest” is not about literal pissing contests clearly hasn’t spent much time in fraternity houses. Men are constantly competing and comparing everything and anything. Comparison is the only way to know if you’ve gained, or lost status day-to-day or week-to-week. Within groups of male friends, these comparisons often come while recapping a long night out where they may discuss how much they drank, who they slept with, or who did or did not throw up (all status symbols). As we can see, this will only reinforce the desire for more status and begins the cycle again!
But what can we do about it? Working against evolution isn’t the easiest thing we’ve done. But I think it’s easier than we think.
Bow Ties
If you know me, it’s likely you know that I wear bow ties more than long ties. Initially, this started as my own status symbol, but eventually turned into something more. Any time I’ve been wearing a bow tie at a conference with young, undergraduate men, I’ve had a group of at least four or five, run up to me after a presentation and say something along the lines of “cool bow tie!” Every time. So, I started to think about this and what it meant. In reality, it is my way into these conversations with students I know or those I’ve just met.
The bow tie, in their minds, gave me status and therefore credibility as a “man.” Dysfunctional though it is, it gave me the opportunity to flip the striving for status narrative. Now, I began to use my status symbol(s) as a facilitator of these conversations. I began to be able to model for young men that high social status can mean something different than being a “man’s man.”
These conversations became about “high status” men being educated, thoughtful leaders who made a difference in their community. But also, these “high status” men weren’t judgmental of other men’s ways of being. Though they don’t condone asocial behaviors, they understand that patience and collaboration is needed in the reeducation of young men. What they need, rather than a lecture or a punishment (barring gross criminal offenses of course), is a mentor or an ally. A person who can likely be the first positive male role model they have had in their lives to that point. A person they can admire for how they treat people well, not for how they demean others.
I know what I have written here isn’t groundbreaking or complicated, and that’s the point. I don’t believe it needs to be in order to make a difference. What we really need are men who are willing to find their “bow ties” and jump into these conversations about flipping the script. In order for others to do better, we need to first be better and show them the way. Eighteen years of indoctrination and hundreds of thousands of years is hard to change immediately, but it starts by finding that bow tie into the conversation.

Todd M. Wysocki, Ph.D.

Your best friend – most of us have that person in our life, that “go to person” we count on for support and companionship. Most often, we think of a childhood friend who has been there through all the ups and downs, the college roommate or classmate and the bond that seemed instantaneous, or the trusted colleague at work. The friend is a contemporary, often someone with common interests and naturally similar in age. In most instances, you don’t see best friends who come from different generations. However, friendship can transcend age. We are only limited by the self-imposed parameters we set. Connecting with another is more about personal qualities and personality rather than commonality of age graded experiences.

There is quite a spread in age between my male best friend and me. I guess this is somewhat of an understatement considering that we come from very different generations – the baby boom and millennial generations collide. This collision, however, while unexpected, has resulted in a real and undeniable connection – a friendship that transcends boundaries and years. In our case, 26 years. Is it possible that a 50 year old and 24 year old could be best friends? While unlikely, it is not only possible but is a reality – we are proof of that.
Our story is as unique as is our relationship. As a professor at a college in upstate New York, I have had the opportunity to interact with and teach thousands of students over the years. During this time, I have developed friendships with many students. While I strive to connect with all my students, it is rare to make a lastly and truly meaningful connection that transcends the teacher-student relationship. This, however, is the case with the student who became a best friend. What began as a typical teacher-student relationship evolved into a mentoring relationship and has grown into a unique and meaningful friendship.

It was the first day of classes at the start of the Spring semester in 2011. After going over the class syllabus and finishing class, a student came up to me to introduce himself. He was polite, mature and seemed genuine. At the time, I didn’t think twice about it other than being initially impressed by his initiative. What I didn’t realize at that time was this first meeting would evolve into something special. Fast forward five years to today, and I am proud to call this former student my best male friend. The saying you never know is very real.

While many students do not make the effort or feel comfortable moving beyond the teacher-student relationship, he took it upon himself to connect with me and initiate ongoing discussions on course material as well as issues and activities outside of class. I, of course, reciprocated and our interactions became more frequent and more substantive. Looking back, it is fair to say we connected immediately. Through that first semester, I assumed a mentoring role. After the semester, he left the college and transferred to a four-year college. The mentoring role continued but took a more personal role – one that led to an undeniable friendship. Throughout the next four years, our relationship thrived and expanded through frequent emails, text messages, phone calls and meeting up in person whenever possible.

Our relationship took another step as we collaborated and founded a business venture called Reframing Leadership Consulting, a firm providing speaking and facilitation services on leadership and mentorship in higher education. Fittingly, our focus is on mentoring – where it started for us. And my once protégé is now a mentor for others, and in some ways a mentor to me. In spite of the roles that defined our relationship in class and the age difference, we continue to learn from each other and grow. We are both different people today because of this. The influence is very real and certainly bi-directional. You know the friendship is real when you are there for one another through it all, regardless of location and time.

Understandably, others have a difficult time understanding our relationship and friendship. I am a happily married man with two teenage girls, and he is finishing graduate school and looking to begin a profession in higher education. We are, very much, in different places, yet very similar in many ways. It is highly unusual and incredibly unique. It is hard to attach a label to our relationship as it has so many layers and roles. Those close to us have come to see how important it is for each of us, even if it transcends traditional notions of friendship. This acceptance makes it even more meaningful.
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I proudly embrace the title “old man” as I am often called. I reciprocate with referring to him as “punk”. The punk did actually earn an A in my class, in case you were wondering. The old man and the punk – we are indeed an unlikely pair and have an unlikely friendship. Yet, it is very real and very special in spite of the slight 26 year age difference. Friendship can transcend age. It really can. It has for us.